checking in

just wanted to say hi

Somewhere, There’s a Party by Holly Warburton

hi, how are you? 

are you staying cool? what summer fruits have you been enjoying? 

i know it’s been a while.

i debated whether i wanted to mention my absence at all, given that it’s a) obvious and b) unremarkable, or if i would just publish something new without feeling compelled to provide any sort of update or explanation, but my writing well has been dry the last several months, so i’ll level with you without (too many) metaphors. 

october through march was an incredibly tender, painful, and at times numb season for me. i was heavily grieving my sweet sidney as well as a recent heartbreak (or, perhaps, not a “break” so much as a disappointment born of completely reasonable justifications yet a fresh cut upon a gaping wound nonetheless), and i felt as though i was constantly — as phoebe bridgers says — running around in circles, pretending to be myself.

i wrote in my last entry that i could not seem to feel normal again after sidney’s passing, and that was a feeling that characterized the following five months. i felt like a phantom floating above myself, or perhaps a puppeteer who knew all the correct motions to make myself function, but never directly experienced them. i suppose grief does this to you. even now, when i consider myself to be in a much better place, i occasionally feel the strings tugging at my palms.

i’ve been deep in the throes of academic writing (AGAINST MY WILL!) — preparing to defend my dissertation prospectus in the fall — so my creative muscles have atrophied a bit, but i’ve missed this space and i’m grateful for your patience.

i’m excited to be back in the diner with you all soon.